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[Dec. 27th, 2009|06:03 pm] |
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watching avatar was SO satisfying.
but before i begin my usual overly long spiel, i'd just like to mention:
shopping. i went today and stepped into 313 for the first time and I LIKE IT!! i love the shops. it has mango zara forever21 aldo i.e. i can die happy. i become more and more fashion-conscious with every passing day. but i like it.
also to all the homies at.. home. in singapore, haha i HAVE to say this: shopping at forever21 (which i love ps) for me is like walking through a live catalogue. you see the clothes in real life, you ogle, you maybe try them on, but then you ONLY buy them in the states where it's like 30% cheaper hahahahahahah. in my head i sing na nee na nee poo poo LOL. i saw a dress i bought for USD 15, selling for i think 26 or 28 SGD. hahah awesome =)
YES so i just wanted to say that to spite people.
now.
AVATAR.
i LOVE sci fi, i LOVE fantasy, and i LOVE epic films and this had all of it.
it made me feel the way i feel when i see the epicness of a movie like lord of the rings. when i cry not cuz it's sad but cuz it's overwhelming. or i cry for an Ideal, for a Heroic something. that sense of nobility and selflessness and there-is-something-greater-out-there and we-live-for-a-reason / we-live-for-a-greater-purpose
i mean i guess we could be fooling ourselves when we feel like that, but i love it when i feel it. it's kinda silly and idealistic, but coming out of the movie and being in touch again with this sense of heroism and greater-than-yourself-ness (again the last time was lord of the rings, maybe slightly in the dark knight but that's a very different sort) made me think for a moment "see, this is why we Live. this, things like this, is why we continue." the should be.
soundtrack ijust got this and i love it and am looping it nonstop. it has that epic quality to it, infused with the whole tribal/native/indigenous thing cuz of the film. I LOVE IT i need to find a good word to describe it. epic/tribal?cuz it's the kind of music mr dan uses too in his choreo and i've ALWAYS loved his kinda music/style it's aalwys been something i wanted to do and he's one of the first to REALLY put it on with the energy and all. but i never found a word.
but yeah. i love movie instrumentals i don't know why. james horner is amazing. and he also did the titanic, which was also directed by james cameron who clearly has an insane talent for epic films. i say it again - I LOVE EPIC FILMS, i love the soudntrack. ughhhhh it makes me feel it makes me aliveeeeeeee. that's why. it's hard to explain, but i can draw the association.
visuals/creativity/novelty and also images-wise i love fantasy, i love otherworlds, i love entirely new constructed creative worlds with great Novelty. all the images were so new, the film was just very Visually stimulating. i was a little disappointed that they didnt' play around with the Alien idea more -- cuz they were essentially humanoid people that had very human traits inside and out. it was very different coming off a film like District 9 which i just saw on a plane -- which TOTALLY fucks aroudn with your idea of human/alien. THAT was intellectully/emotionally extremeeeeely stimulating in that sense. so much so that it was disturbing.
but still that doesn't take away from the visual beauty and stimulation of this film. ughh. i'm gonna set it as a wallpaper.
visuals/cinematography/presentation also the way it was filmed/SHOWN. the cinematography, was very jap/anime-film inspired i feel. like it was the Final Fantasy-esque alien world, and there are those huge panning scenes where its basically ART SHOWCASE for the creative designers. like a huge zoom-out perspective/scene where you see everything, adn there's the familiar strange cool helicopter/technology-thing at the side. that is SO final fantasy, and SO hayao miyazaki. i could be wrong about the srouce but it was cool that they paid homage to this kinda film -- this wholeTYPE of fantasy film/imagery is omething you don't see as often in western film.
the MESSAGE and lastly the message is obviously for me something i really papreciate. all this while in my life i've had these ideas of pantheism or somethingineverything or everythingineverything and everythignisconnected and LIFE and NATURE and youarepartoftheworld and ai was so glad that message was put into film again. and the whole idea tht humans have destroyed their god and blala i juts can identify with it. i'm not as naive/idealistic about it as i was some years ago (ie we should go back to those times!) i see the good in both now, but it's just nice seeing THIS side of things represented.
wrt to the quality of the film though of course it's kinda like.. rehash of themes in other films. it reminded me a lot of Princess Mononoke and Pocahontas etc. so yeah it's not the most novel thing. but i mean.. it's a good message. i've no qualms about it being done up again.
i swear though, Cameron watched Miyazaki films. earth-ey theme? Princess Mononoke. the whole floating mountains thing? very cool, love it, but def inspired by Castle in the Sky!
anyway i loved the film. it cld've been even MORE amazing in a "WTF HOW DID THEY THINK OF THAT THAT IS GENIUS" way. but beyond that it hits a very solid A for me with A pluses in images, fantasy, soundtrack.. and that's good enoguh for me.
end. okay so this turned out to be like amovie review but i was just trying to type more calmly instead of gushing like OMGFG OI THAT PART WAS SOOOOO FKING GOOD cuz ishould learn to be more calm. lol. so it turned out like a movie review. i get too affected by art. or not TOO. but. yeah. i like it though. it's.. good. i think.
on a lighter note. the most disturbing part of Avatar was DEFINITELY the alien sex part. i was like wow (1) they're blue aliens (2) my dad and sis are next to me. umumumum awkward. |
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| 重演 |
[Dec. 26th, 2009|10:44 pm] |
有些我以为早已遗忘的感觉, 又渐渐渗入心头里。 真的不想再陷入一个难以自拔的深渊, 只想简简单单,无忧无虑地度过我的假期。 |
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| boxing day thoughts 1 |
[Dec. 26th, 2009|10:02 pm] |
a merry boxing day to all:)
~ I just got back from thailand on xmas eve after a 10 day trip with 10 of my forever-crazy 06S76 mates.will write up an entry about it soon. suddenly i realise that i missed the class alot,especially after the trip. <3 those crap and talk cocks/stupid ideas/spontaneous fun/sweet surprises.
~~ it's really nice to be in a holiday mode, having fun on a trip or chilling-out at home, away from all the worries of studies. i must treasure the rest of the 2 months to come.
but amidst the enjoyment, which serve as temporary escape for many things that i've yet to really face, i'm glad that i had some time alone, to think about some things. some feelings really shouldnt be pent up, they'll just eat into you. crying is actually a good release of those built-up emotions.
that day in krabi, alone on a swing, i watched a dad carry his little girl, entertaining her inquisitive mind. that reminded me of my own childhood days when my parents were still young, spoiling the little young me. suddenly i realised how old i've grown to be, and how old they have aged. some things in life are just inevitable, we have to face it, live with it. |
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| mm |
[Dec. 26th, 2009|05:50 pm] |
1. robert downey jnr = very, very hot. jude law = very hot. rachel mcadams = very awesome. deduction = sherlock holmes = must-see 2. keanu reeves = very, very hot.
3. watching avatar tonight!
4. cant wait to see the fourth kind http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/thefourthkind/
5. want to watch tv. how i met your mother? greys? sex and the city? i want a substitute for my ally mcbeal, basically. that kinda real life show. girly is fine, but adult-girly. or womanly. hmm
wooooooo
aching from dance.
hi millionth crap post
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| AVATAR |
[Dec. 25th, 2009|09:59 pm] |

陪孩子到碧山看电影。孩子朋友的妈妈给我们买了票。一直到进了电影院,还是不知道看的是什么电影。只知道是3D电影,需要配戴特制的眼镜。 开映前发短信给婉贞老师,才知道电影的名称是Avatar。当时她正在国泰戏院看戏。真巧,看的也是同样一部。 还是茫无头绪。我孤陋寡闻,这部电影到底是讲什么呀? 电影一开始,就想:糟糕,没有中文字幕! 看了一阵子,开始头晕目眩。电影特效令人震撼,但我却有一种晕车的感觉。 前半部的节奏略嫌慢了一些,加上我感到有些不适,因此看得不很专心。频频看手表,频频发短信给在另一间电影院看电影的婉贞老师。 然后……然后在不知不觉中慢慢进入状况了。 真是一场视觉的飨宴。画面瑰丽无比,体现了创作者的无限创意。正如媒体人杨君伟所说:“电脑技术来到这个地步,已经超越想像了。” 至于故事,虽然老套,因为处理得好,所以看了也觉得挺感动的。尤其是纳美人全力维护家园那个情节,配上史诗般悲壮的音乐,有一定的感染力量。 Avatar这部电影到底要向观众传达什么信息? 我想,不同年龄、不同阶层、不同背景的人,可能会有不同的诠释。 善与恶的斗争。 环境保护与资源开发的拉锯战。 人类的自私与贪婪。 欧洲强权征服与毁灭亚非美文明的反思。 白人英雄主义的体现。
最搞笑的,是网上有人说这是潘多拉星球钉子户和开发商的故事。摘录如下:
话说一百多年后,地球被人类祸祸的差不多了 于是一帮开发商跑到一个叫潘多拉的星球上搞矿产,想当煤老板 可是遇到一帮叫那美人的钉子户,说啥也不肯搬家 于是派了个貌似纯良的退伍军人去冒充“居委会大妈”卧底 跟钉子户们说:这地方要拆迁了,你们赶紧卷铺盖搬走吧! 钉子户哪儿信这个啊!于是开发商雇了一帮城管,把钉子户们住的大树给平了 钉子户怒了,而那个卧底的“居委会大妈”也觉醒了,觉得开发商是一帮人渣 于是卧底同学联合钉子户暴力反抗拆迁——当然没有自焚——把开发商和拆迁队全干掉了 其实,Avatar讲的就是这么个简单的故事 当然,以上都是玩笑话 (取自http://www.mtime.com/my/1988578/blog/3021500/)

好看。很久没有看这么好看的电影了。 可是还是有点遗憾。正如红楼梦中说的:叹人间,美中不足今方信。 为什么一定要大团圆结局? 为什么一定是邪不胜正? 在艺术创作中,有时,“不完美”反而能产生更大的震撼和回响。 我一直觉得,电影应该在纳美人誓死保护家园,但却无法改变家园被毁的命运时结束。 悲剧,才能引人深思。 大团圆的结局,削弱了主题的力量。 但没有大团圆的电影,谁看?
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| Have yourself a merry little christmas, |
[Dec. 25th, 2009|09:44 pm] |
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"Wise" sayings which I think sound more like lame excuses than anything else:
1. All is fair in love and war.
2. I'm only doing this for your own good.
3. I did it because I love you.
4. Someday you'll thank me for this.
5. Rules are meant to be broken.
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The first semester of my sophomore year is over!
Surprisingly my grades haven't slipped, but have actually improved! Whee.
I am one step closer to my summa cum laude now. Keep going, woot! :D
That aside, this holiday has been quite fruitful!
Meeting all my dear friends whom I haven't met since forever. :D
(And good news: My dear Pearlene and Charmaine are back woohoo!)
Alright I'm kinda out of things to talk about. Zomg I'm so boring.
Merry Christmas, y'all! :DDD |
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| 最近买的书 |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|04:49 pm] |
11月带学生到台湾浸濡学习,不知不觉买了十多本书。 当时信心满满,以为读完这些书不是困难的事。太不自量力了。
这是我买的书。

这是我看了一遍的书。

这是我已经开始阅读的书。

这是我完全还没翻看的书。

这是我终其一生永远看不完读不透的书。

加油啊。 |
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| 天地之始 |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|03:58 pm] |
这是4月18日写的。
又是一个忙碌的周末。
上午到联络所上瑜珈课,这是最近一年多来的坚持。看到年龄比自己稍长几年的朋友这里痛那里疼的,不免心生警惕。是时候运动了。别等到筋骨老朽气血不通时才来后悔莫及。除非必须上班,否则无论如何忙碌,星期六上午我一定会抽空到联络所去。我不能对不起我自己。
回到家看报纸、胡乱翻阅刚买回来的几本书。星期六下午,可以多来一杯奢侈的咖啡。不必担心晚上因睡不着而第二天无法早起。其实睡不着也许不关咖啡的事,纯粹是心理作用。
然后就开始工作了。
批阅作业、调测验分数、备课、拟题。那么多工作,那么少时间。但心情还是愉悦的。因为明天不必上班。到了星期天,心情就不同了。焦虑、担忧全都涌上心头。
上个星期决定好好犒赏自己,上博客来订购了七本书。省不了多少钱。加上邮费可能和这里的价钱差不多,但胜在我不必出门。而且有些书可能这里买不到。经常自嘲自己是个中年宅女,除了上班和到离家二公里的购物中心的超市买菜之外,几乎哪里都不去。
我买的七本书分别是:
1. 薛仁明 《胡兰成.天地之始》
2. 刘继荣 《家有中等生》
3. 陈家毅 《城市磁场》
4. 高全之 《张爱玲学(增订新版)
5. 潘(火宣) 《圣严法师最珍贵的身教》
6. 杂志 《我爱瑜珈9跟我去印度》
7. 吉娜薇.安东尼.妲希欧 《时尚.优雅书》》
其实主要是为了买那本《胡兰成.天地之始》。其他六本是顺便订购的。只买一本不划算,邮费太贵了。
胡兰成是个备受争议的人物。很多年前就读过他的书,那时非常年轻,只觉得他的文风别具一格,文字精致、婉媚,对比强烈,令人惊艳。至于书的内容,除了《民国女子》那章,其他的则是似懂非懂。这回读了《小团圆》,对此人有了新的兴趣。恰好看到《亚洲周刊》介绍的这本《胡兰成.天地之始》,就决定买了下来。
作者从胡兰成“其人、其道、其艺”三方面切入,对胡兰成进行描述和评论。没有时间仔细阅读,只能够随意翻阅,发现作者研究胡兰成,结果连文字风格都深受胡兰成的影响。看来薛仁明这辈子都很难走出胡兰成的影子了。
比较有兴趣的是写汪精卫的那一部分。一直很好奇,何以写出“引刀成一快,不负少年头”的热血青年最后竟走上叛国之路。胡兰成曾经替汪精卫做事。谈胡兰成,不能不提汪精卫。
薛仁明的观点对我来说(我差一点写“于我而言”,可见胡氏风格影响之大)相当新颖,却也不无道理。他认为当年汪精卫组南京政权并非不爱国,而是希望以“和平”的手段救国。历史向来是成王败寇,汪精卫失败了,自然而然也成了“汉奸”。如此说来,胡兰成也不是“汉奸”了?
薛仁明又提到,世人骂胡兰成“没节操”、“无风骨”,“但极度矛盾的是,赏识他的刘景农、梁漱溟,正乃天底下风骨最是嶙峋者”。不少人说胡兰成“有才失德”,但和他有往来的、欣赏他的唐君毅(儒家学者)、晓云法师、朱西甯(作家),却都是品德高尚、有傲骨的人。
读到这里,我困惑了。
什么是历史?
应该从哪一个角度诠释历史?
孰是孰非?
我不是学者,我不懂得研究学问。算了,让阅读回归阅读,那么认真干什么?
只是不知道什么时候才能读完这七本书。《我爱瑜珈9跟我去印度》和《时尚.优雅书》应该没问题,都是消闲类的。其他的就可能需要一些时间了。
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| 复仇的快感-我看《小团圆》 |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|03:51 pm] |
这是2009年3月22日写的。
一向喜欢读张爱玲。曾经因为张爱玲,找了胡兰成的《今生今世》来看。
胡兰成文字自成一体,文章是所谓的“才子文字”。余光中评《今生今世》,说:“文笔轻灵圆润,用字遣词别具韵味,形容词下得尤为脱俗”。著名周作人研究专家止庵先生为《今生今世》中文版作序时写道:“我又曾提出有一路‘才子文章’,从林语堂、梁实秋、钱钟书直到董桥,皆属此列;现在不妨把胡兰成一并算上。才子者,首先真的有才;形之于文,是为才子文章。以此而论,胡兰成堪称就中翘楚,确实绝顶聪明,处处锋芒毕露。虽然,才本身有品,才之后有识有学。至少前一方面,作者不无亏欠;可是才气太大,似乎又能有所弥补。才子文章,无论意思文字,难免取巧做作,仿佛不甘寂寞,着意要引得读者叫好;胡文亦不例外。但是意思上能做作到‘透’,文字上能做作到‘拙’,这是其特别之处,自非一般肤浅流丽者可比。我读《今生今世》,觉得天花乱坠,却也戛戛独造;轻浮如云,而又深切入骨。附带说一句,近年来散文领域整理发掘之功甚伟,有所成就者大都已经出土;大概够这个档次的,也只剩下这么一本了。该书面世,庶几功德圆满。” (取自新华网《绕过张爱玲,看清胡兰成》http://news.xinhuanet.com/book/2003-11/05/content_1161307.htm)
当年读胡兰成,对他的文字有一种惊艳的感觉,但却不齿于他的人品。他曾经为汪精卫政权做事,是名副其实的汉奸。在感情上,他自命风流,用情不专。如此一个缺乏民族气节又薄情寡义的人,却被张爱玲爱上了,还结成夫妇,实在是为她不值。
胡兰成在《民国女子》一篇中津津乐道自己的风流韵事,多少女子为他倾倒、为他落泪。才情卓著如张爱玲,孤傲不羁如张爱玲,居然也成了芸芸众女中的一名。当然,她应该是最特别的。但是,他却不珍惜。
张爱玲一直没有回应。在有生之年,她选择了沉默。这真是一种智慧。还得感谢她的挚友宋淇因为觉得时机不对,大力阻止《小团圆》的出版。否则,《小团圆》当年若在台湾出版,和胡兰成的《今生今世》打对台,跟这样的人平起平坐,对她的人格是一种污蔑。她也许不在乎,我们却不能不心痛。
读了《小团圆》,终于从她的笔下,清清楚楚地知道对于这段爱情,她并不是如此愚痴地义无反顾。我看到了她对他的憎厌,这对他在《民国女子》一文中的沾沾自喜,无疑是一记痛击。或许我幼稚,但我突然有了一种复仇的快感。这虽然是一部小说,但很难不让人对号入座。
在网上读到这篇文章,写张爱玲和胡兰成的,很喜欢。不知作者是谁,转载如下:
張愛玲小團圓 今生今世對照記
本文网址:http://8ok.com/bbs/200903/huabian/36197.shtml
胡蘭成寫風流自賞的回憶散文,張愛玲藉小說之筆怨毒著書,這桃花女與周公的比試,
果然勢均力敵,同稱精采……
時間是不可逆的,生命是不可逆的,然則書寫的時候,一切不可逆者皆可逆。
──朱天文《荒人手記》
像七月鳴蟬,吱吱不停,也像拔掉的蛀牙,仍隱隱作疼。這真是張愛玲沒錯,她形容兩
個心生嫌隙依然共枕的人,心中絕望危疑:「下大雨了,下得那麼持久,一片沙沙聲,
簡直是從地面上往上長,黑暗中遍地叢生著琉璃樹,微白的蓬蒿,雨的森林。」去溫州
探視逃亡中的胡蘭成,驚覺他除小周(小康)外,另有新歡秀美(巧玉),自己全無立
足之地,一夜難眠:「那痛苦像火車一樣轟隆轟隆一天到晚開著,日夜之間沒有一點空
隙。一醒過來它就在枕邊,是隻手錶,走了一夜。」2009年張愛玲《小團圓》出版,在
胡蘭成寫成《今生今世》(1959)五十年後,這本「今生今世不團圓」狠狠將了他一軍。
遲來的復仇,仍是復仇
遲來的復仇,仍是復仇。果真是「full of shocks」,就在1996年朱天文五萬字《花憶
前身》後,張愛玲《小團圓》也首度打破沉默,十八萬字來談胡蘭成。胡蘭成寫風流自
賞的回憶散文,張愛玲藉小說之筆怨毒著書,這桃花女與周公的比試,果然勢均力敵,
同稱精采。《小團圓》寫於張愛玲七○年代中期(與〈色.戒〉同時),自傳已不足以
形容它的真實,筆觸之坦露,也完全超越以往。〈色.戒〉裡的王佳芝與老易是否為張
胡翻版,此書一出,看來是不必爭議了,那就是聽來的間諜故事,加上張胡戀情的內裡
。而李黎《浮花飛絮張愛玲》裡吹皺一池春水的姪女青芸,看來角色並沒有那麼單純。
第一次在邵之雍上海住宅見到秀男,「俏麗白淨的方圓臉,微鬈的長頭髮披在肩上,」
九莉心裡想:「她愛他叔叔。」
張愛玲處處有這樣的靈通剔透,但她待人接物上驚人的愚笨,卻教胡蘭成很快察覺了。
慣於風月的情場浪子,在童女面前,自始至終都是負她的,因之成就了這樣一部銜怨負
氣,「不團圓」的《小團圓》。《小團圓》中的胡蘭成形象,果然和帶著崇慕胡蘭成心
態拍的電視劇《她從海上來──張愛玲傳奇》完全不同。這男人風月慣經,善於撩撥,
在眾女之間周旋,床笫之間的大膽,令人咋舌。「像千年狐狸化作白衣秀士,想的是用
女子的鮮血供養自己的狐身」,王孝廉〈山河歲月——淺論胡蘭成的《今生今世》〉說
得雖然有些夭壽,可也真是入木三分。
這部古物出土,震動華文世界,被張小虹稱為法律上「合法」,情感道義上「盜版」的
張愛玲遺作,文字品質毫不遜於她其他作品,話題性更是十足(幾乎所有劇中人都可與
張愛玲真實人生對得嚴絲合縫)。前半看來的確人物眾多,情節紛亂,與全書主題有點
脫鉤,尤其與後面的故事主線沒有明顯的承接。張愛玲修修改改多年,也一直在是否出
版間猶豫,看起來像是還沒改得滿意,倒不是放棄了。她對修改自己的作品,向來極有
耐心,像1971年水晶訪問她時她自己說的:「我現在寫東西,完全是還債──還我自己
欠下的債,因為從前自己曾經許下心願。我這個人是非常stubborn(頑強)的。」
才子佳人的變調版
《小團圓》,這個反諷的故事,是才子佳人變調版,三妻四妾不但沒有貌美和順,且不
心甘情願。對張愛玲而言,有不得不寫的內在理由,因為欠自己的債,這和她其他作品
寫作緣由事實上並無二致。醞釀很久,真正動筆是因為聽說朱西甯想寫她的傳記,張愛
玲於是有了不如自己寫的念頭。所以基本上《小團圓》就是以小說形式(人名虛構)寫
的第一手傳記。張愛玲在1976年給宋淇的信上說:「這是一個熱情故事,我想表達出愛
情的萬轉千迴,完全幻滅了之後也還有點什麼東西在。」《小團圓》中亂世鴛鴦邵之雍
和盛九莉,就像〈色.戒〉裡相濡以沫的老易和王佳芝,也像《半生緣》裡「再也回不
去了」的世鈞與曼楨,人生是虛幻的,換了角色名,內裡還是同樣的那個人。在當事人
(張、胡,甚至保管遺物的宋淇)都仙逝了的今日,《小團圓》倒真的可以平心靜氣當
作一個熱情故事,而不是隔海叫陣,互相爆料的男女官司來看了。愛情與寫作,同樣基
於一種內在放光的狂熱與激越,像張愛玲對水晶說的,她寫作的時候,簡直是「狂喜」
。從萬轉千迴到完全幻滅,其中曲折,正是萬千作家寫之不盡的。
在目前已經開發殆盡的張學研究外,胡蘭成傳記、選集及周邊史料近年也逐漸被兩岸重
視。他藝術上的才分無疑是可觀的,但為人與氣性則完全與張愛玲相背。兩人的短暫情
緣、未明身分(一紙無效的婚書),就像戰時的上海文壇,亂世中開出一朵虛妄之花,
雖則燦爛,卻極短暫,正如柯靈所說:「過了這村,沒了那店」,注定沒有結局。
張愛玲示弱,沉默,低調不見人,晚年甚至算得上是人群恐慌症。劉大任形容她是「沿
牆疾走的蒼白女子」,郭松棻形容她過馬路像一片葉子被吹過對街,在戴文采眼中,她
大約只有八十磅,倒垃圾時「彎腰的姿勢很像兩片薄葉子貼在一起」,陳少聰擔任她的
助理,兩人演了一年只寫紙條避不見面的默劇。然而張愛玲內裡的頑強,對人事感知的
敏銳與痛苦,完全是一個天才者。這一點,胡蘭成在二人初識時寫〈論張愛玲〉(1944
)就已經充分知覺了。張胡二人的相遇,情感姑且不論,對胡蘭成的人生態度與文學表
現,是一極大的轉折。除了思想理論體系的解散之外,張愛玲以一個天才者接近直觀感
悟的看世界方式,大大啟發了胡蘭成在政論之外抒情文字的可能。這從胡後來寫成《今
生今世》,並稱「一炷香想念愛玲,是她開了我的聰明」,略可得知。
情感的純粹與喜悅,對張愛玲而言具有絕對向內性,但胡蘭成不是,他對人情、學問、
前程、政治都有野心。1944年胡蘭成與張愛玲簽訂婚書後去武漢,名為辦《大楚報》,
事實上是應日本宇垣一成大將之請,前往籌辦一軍事政治學校,計畫成立軍政府。1945
年初,汪精衛病逝日本,八月日本投降,據完整版《今生今世》(三三,1990版)〈漢
皋解珮〉所記:「我遂與二十九軍軍長鄒平凡宣布武漢獨立……擁兵數萬,拒絕(按:
重慶政府)接收」。胡蘭成的壯志毀於一場突來的急病與鄒平凡的轉向,武漢只獨立了
十三日,在全國緝捕漢奸之下,胡蘭成亡命出逃。這就是《小團圓》裡寫的,「楚娣(
按:與張同住的姑姑張茂淵)悄悄的笑道:『邵之雍像要作皇帝的樣子』」的因由。九
莉(張愛玲)不至於認為這事可能成真,她只期望這仗能永遠打下去,逃避那終究要來
的變局。
當年可能與《今生今世》打對台
《小團圓》作為《今生今世》的對照記,事隔三十年心情沉澱後才寫,當時張愛玲一人
獨居洛杉磯(第二任丈夫賴雅已去世),文字中明顯少了愛悅,多了悲涼。將兩本書比
並來看,可知其中細節真實性相當高,所不同者只是兩造的心情差異。胡蘭成在情感上
的浮濫,以及他帶給張愛玲的極大傷害,被張愛玲《小團圓》中九莉一句話說盡了:「
我不能和半個人類為敵。」另一個被害的護士小康(小周)的版本,則是淚眼哭倒(胡
逃亡前硬要了她的身子):「我可怎麼辦,他是有太太的。」只是這「太太」,也不是
九莉(張愛玲)。
從政治立場到情感態度,胡蘭成都有著一貫的超驗性。他自比為劉邦或國父,自稱為「
浪子」,能「無端歡喜,驚險亦如驚豔,無因無由忽又有了辦法,故不墮劫數」。1964
年寫於日本的〈反省篇〉中,可看出胡蘭成始終以「亡命」自居(不承認現在的權力,
不服罪),他是要創建新秩序,因此理直氣壯,毫無愧疚之感。早在溫州避難時期,背
負著各方漢奸指責,他就有這樣的文學與人生觀。在《苦竹》上,他說:「我寫,只是
因為我自己喜歡,並不為了什麼。我想革命也一樣,有人可以作了錯事,仍然不是罪惡
的,也有人作了好事,而仍然不偉大。」他又極端愛悅青春鮮潔,別有一種性別反串和
喬裝作致的意態,一種宛若天山童姥般的童顏稚語。美若天仙,卻像罌粟花般,暗藏殺
機。
《小團圓》寫盡全天下癡情女的天真(無論在什麼時候他都是有老婆的),也把一個最
理直氣壯的負心漢寫活了(妳這樣痛苦也是好的)。《今生今世》文字跌宕生姿,婉媚
至極,其實是胡蘭成歷數一生情人的群芳譜,聚碑成塔,「採四海花,釀天下酒」,張
愛玲只落得一個過場,成了「民國女子」這一章的材料。
胡蘭成《今生今世》成書於1959年日本,當時生活初定,已與佘愛珍結婚,這本半自傳
散文充滿風流自喜,顧盼自得,沒有半點懺悔或救贖的意味,胡甚且寄了此書給在美國
的張愛玲,順便撩撥她。張愛玲看完的感受無人知道,現在《小團圓》出版,終於揭開
了這「憎笑的要叫起來」的謎底。
「九莉想道:『他完全不管我的死活,就知道保存他所有的』。」
她沒往下說,之雍便道:「妳能這樣痛苦也是好的。」
是說她能有這樣強烈的感情是好的。又是他那一套,「好的」與「不好的」。使她憎笑
的要叫起來。
張愛玲之於人生,採冷眼靜觀的姿態,總在那陰暗處窺視著,而胡蘭成則永遠意識著自
我的存在,興高采烈的活著。我們從二人慣用的意象,亦可看出其間本質上的差別。張
愛玲尚「月亮」的陰暗,她那「藍陰陰的月光」,「有著靜靜的殺機」,或「使人汗毛
凜凜的反常明月」,「像個戲劇化的猙獰臉譜」。而胡蘭成《今生今世》的陽光處處,
適與之形成對比。例如:「好男如陽光,好女如顏色」,「十里桑地秧田,日影沙堤,
就像腳下的地都是黃金鋪的」,「桃花極豔,但那顏色即是陽光」,「是一種可與陽光
遊戲的顏色」,「記得是下午,屋瓦上都是陽光」。只是這陽光男風流自賞的背後,胡
蘭成可不知道在逃亡前夕兩人燕好時,他還對武漢小周戀戀難捨,張愛玲《小團圓》裡
是這樣寫她的決絕的:
「廚房裡有一把斬肉的板刀,太沉重了。還有把切西瓜的長刀,比較伏手。對準了那狹
窄的金色背脊一刀。他現在是法外之人了,拖下樓梯往街上一丟。看秀男(按:姪女青
芸)有什麼辦法。」
在給宋淇的信中,張愛玲甚且認為,還好當年寫給胡蘭成的信全要回來了,「不然早出
土了」。如今想來,宋淇是個實心眼的益友,當年的決斷可能是對的,七○年代中期《
小團圓》若在台灣出版,剛好與胡蘭成重版的《今生今世》打對台,當時張愛玲聲譽鵲
起,並不如現在這麼地位崇隆,不可移易。且不說胡蘭成可能有的私心,世人當如何看
待這各說各話的男女官司?
「時間是不可逆的,生命是不可逆的,然則書寫的時候,一切不可逆者皆可逆。」六十
年前的情書與六十年後的復仇都不嫌晚,《小團圓》證明了張愛玲的耐心,這個人是非
常stubborn的。
本文网址:http://8ok.com/bbs/200903/huabian/36197.shtml
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| 我的资优班 |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|03:42 pm] |
这是我前阵子写的,大概8月吧。当时是放在新浪博客。 现在决定转移阵地。决定把一些文章转到这里。
最近流感肆虐,生病看病的人非常多。前几天再次到诊疗所报到。S医生一向关心病人,诊疗所简直是“门庭若市”。虽然我一大早就抵达诊所,还是等了足足一个小时。
幸好带了一本书去看。游森棚教授写的《我的资优班》。这本书是我两年前在博客来书籍馆订购的,已经反反复复读过好几遍。每一回阅读,都有不同的体会和感受。每一回,都觉得他简直把话说到我的心坎里头,都有一种感动。
因为,我也是资优班的老师。游老师所经历的和所面对的,很多时候都发生在我和学生的点点滴滴当中。
当年,在还没有决定当资优班的教师之前,有人警告我,说资优生“自私、自我、功利主义、学习态度恶劣”。
后来还是决定接受培训,转校教导资优班了。不是为了名校身份衔头什么的,也不是为了什么伟大的教育目标,而是因为开办资优班的这所学校离我母亲的家较近。当年孩子还小,托母亲照顾。
不知不觉,教了十多年。过去,我对资优生一无所知。现在,我发现一踏入资优班,就有一种如鱼得水的感觉。
刚开始时,不少同事由于对资优生认识不深,对于学校突然出现了这么一班所谓的“特权阶级”,都有一些抗拒,不明白为什么教育部要拨出那么多资源来照顾这群特殊份子。再加上一些资优生脱序的行为,更是使不少同事对资优生颇有微言。至于一般学生,对于资优生头顶上的那个光环,很多也抱着一种敬而远之、非我族类的心态。
不知是性格关系,还是其他因素,我一开始,就和资优生相处得很融洽。
对我来说,这些年来所教过的资优生,大多数的性格是非常可爱的。他们很有创意,具有强烈的幽默感,反应非常敏捷,勇于发表自己的看法。上他们的课,从来不必担心有冷场,只要随随便便抛出一个问题,便会引起强烈的回响。
我最欣赏的,其实是他们对学业成绩那种谈笑用兵的态度。当然,不是每个学生都有资格拥有这样的态度。上天何其厚待他们。
很多人以为资优生追求卓越的学业成绩,对分数斤斤计较,为了考取好成绩而焚膏继晷,六亲不认。这么说,未免小看他们了。以他们的资质,根本不必这么做。
自从教了资优生之后,我发现,很多人对资优生的看法其实是很不正确的。
和多数人的看法相反,多数资优生具有宽阔的胸襟和强烈的同情心,并不是那种锱铢必较、以自我为中心的人。他们不拘小节,不记仇。有时为了不交功课的问题把他们臭骂一顿,几分钟后他们又笑嘻嘻上前向你问长问短。对于学习有问题成绩落在后头的朋友,他们总是毫不吝惜地伸出援手,那份友爱,令人感动。
当然,资优生并不等于优秀生。有些资优生的学业成绩惨不忍睹,远远比不上主流的优秀学生。身为师长,对着这么一小撮徘徊在及格边缘的孩子,真是无可奈何。为什么完全不读书呢?只要花一点点时间,是的,就是这么一点点,就能脱颖而出了,为什么要浪费上天给予的天赋呢?
不过,这些人到了最后关头,总是化险为夷。考试对他们来说,不过是小菜一碟罢了。
或许,我们并不了解这一小群资优生的想法。他们可能根本不想出人头地,可能根本不稀罕社会对他们的高期望,他们只想快快乐乐过一辈子,做自己喜欢的事,读自己喜欢的书。对于我们强加在他们身上的光环,他们深以为苦。
《我的资优班》也提到,真正的资优生是不能“培养”出来的。对我来说,资优生那种灵光一闪的机智,那种敏捷的思维,那种超乎寻常的快捷反应,不是一般学生,包括一般的优秀生所能比拟的。所以,只要他们愿意学习,前途不可限量。
岛国每年都为小三学生进行甄选测试,据知一些家长为了让孩子挤入资优班,拼命为孩子补习,让孩子做种种智力题等等。殊不知若果真阴差阳错地进入资优班,苦的是孩子。资优班的学生喜欢挑战,思维活跃,教师们所为他们安排的学习活动,正是针对他们的这种特质。一般学生未必能适应这种学习方式,即使是相当优秀的学生。
这篇文章像是为资优生平反。不,我不特别偏爱资优生,资优生当中也有许多缺乏纪律、令人头痛欲裂的孩子。资优生,若没有好好加以引导,人格出现偏差,带来的问题更是不容忽视。
我只是想说,资优生有其可爱的一面。没有真正接触过他们的人,可能不知道。
游森棚《我的资优班》介绍:http://www.books.com.tw/exep/prod/booksfile.php?item=0010380022
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| 重新出发 |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|03:22 pm] |
又过了一年。 很久没有写博了,大概有4个月了吧。其实过去一年我写得不少,大概30多篇,有些篇幅并不短,不过都发表在新浪博客。 写的都是一些较负面的东西。 是的,发泄也有心理治疗的作用。 但写啊写的,开始觉得有些厌倦。 写对工作的不满,但偏偏我又需要这份工作。况且,我热爱我的工作,我只是希望自己能够拥有更多属于自己的时间。 越写越没有意思。 决定重新开始。 决定从正面角度看待问题。 决定好好地对待自己。 人到中年,身体零件逐一出现问题。决定学习放下,要不然太对不起自己,对不起父母。 今天就暂时写到这里吧。 |
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| pre-xmas mambo |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|05:59 am] |
Back from mambo! Had fun in Velvet Underground with sarahooi, Shawn, David and gang (: Last bit of the night in Mambo wasn't bad either. Saw a ton of peoplee. It was almost as though at least one person from each stage in my life was there! There were the televeners (we had dinner before that as well!), the Caderas people (Edwin, alex, Sharon), the GEP kids (Seng, Hee, Shaun, Charmaine, Greg), CJ people (Bunz, Mohan, Momo, Graham), SMU people (Jervois, Valmond, Mich Loh), and even TCN jnrs (Cat Chang and Yiming)!! Crazy stuff, basically. This was also why the place was packed to the brim. There was no space to move in Phuture, and after getting groped by guys we (luckily) ran into Jervois and his friends who were nice enough to hang around and prevent that from continuing. There was also a brief foray into the members' bar which was so packed and annoyingly pretentious. We left for Velvet soon after. All in all it was an alright night, even if my shoes completely massacred my feet ( at some point I was dancing barefoot on the Velvet podium because I figured that would be the safest place to dance sans shoes. Sigh.) Btw, I type this from my new iPhone! I still love it although everyone else has a BB and tells me I can no longer be their friend ): |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|12:40 am] |
OH GOD WHY MUST I JONES FOR TREK WHEN I'M IN THIS GODSFORSAKEN COUNTRY WITH FUCKING ABOMINABLE TORRENT SPEEDS
WHY
does anyone here have TNG and VOY? anyone? sob |
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| so.. |
[Dec. 19th, 2009|02:14 am] |
i'm not gonna get to choreograph next sem because i'm lower down the list in terms of seniority.
hahaha well. i guess it's a good thing. less busy. oh well
and i'm singing tinghai. here goes a different challenge
life is weird today but life is life.
snowstorm tomorrow |
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| haha |
[Dec. 18th, 2009|04:08 pm] |
okay i laugh at this, cuz i have a big ego, and we never do badly, and.. and cuz i'm in fucking PENN and all the Singaporeans here are PRO and there's this terrible reputation of everyone doing really well always - which i know isn't always true -- but just the presence of that reputation has put this mindset in me where YOU DON'T FUCK UP A SINGLE THING IN PENN. i'm being stupid.
this is illogical. i'm being a perfectionist. i need to look at LIFE in general as a WHOLE not ONE GRADE and there's no such thing in life where you go "YOU DONT FUCK UP A SINGLE THING" cuz that = perfection and that = never exists.
but you know how in secondary school, you can fuck up something, like.. 80/100, 85/100, 90/100, 60/100 80/100, and you're like FUCKKK omg there's a C on my report card. but itn's not CONSEQUENTIAL. not so much. you can fuck up a CA grade, a test, a quiz... REALLY badly. and it's like important, but it's like a PART of something. a something which, as a whole, is not that bad.
well at Penn, because (1) everyone keeps talking about fucking jobs (2) i have this stupid impression that employers go down your transcript and look at EVERY single grade and class (3) you only have one chance to do one subject/class (vs in sg you can get a 60% on a math test, but have another 100% to prove that you can do it) (4) EVERYONE ALWAYS LOOKS AT YOU AND SAYS "OH YOU'RE SINGAPOREAN YOU'RE FINE" and you don't wanna be a loser singaporean who defies that stereotype THIS FEELS SO FUCKING CONSEQUENTIAL.
ok but i know it's not. see that's why i need to blog, and type it. cuz i remove it from my head, put it on "paper", look at it, and know it's not consequential.
i need to analyze myself though. cuz i keep doing this this semester. i mean honestly what led me to this grade in this class was.. me.. just not feeling like studying that day. trying to be relaxed. not having my brain in my head. being illogical. being caught up in something else. giving up in some ways. to have FUN but not thinking. and in my head, when i don't make myself think, 1+1 can = 20. although you know that you HAVE a thinkingcap and once you put it on you KNOW 1+1 = friggin 2 not 20. if anyone.. gets this metaphor.
anyway let me analyze. cuz. i think i just did this same thing to Psyc1. same attitude. ahha okok i need to be logical to get past this:
1. FRENCH - guaranteed A. hallelujah merci bien
2. HISTORY - A- on my paper, A/A- on recitation, i think i can get a A/A-/B grade for the final. so i'll end up with A/B, but like it's fine cuz i know i put in my all and now that i type that, i think that's why i'm upset. i wouldn't be upset if i just didn't have the ccapacity to do the class, or i were dumb and just fucked up something is tudied, i'm upset cuz i did notttttttt friggin TRY. wtf. okay.
3 PSYC - A- on midterm1, A- on midterm 2, i actually think i did not do voery well on the last section. haha. i.. sorta. didn't put in my all. AGAIN. anyway expected grade A-/B, OR with a miracle (Sometimes those happen) A
3. BPUB - I DONT" EVEN KNOW cuz i've never done this badly ever in my life so i don't know what grade it amounts to. midterm 1 i did not THAT badly but it depends on (1) if i get regraded up and (2) how they curve it cuz EVERYONE did so well apparently they were willing to give almost everyone an A and if that happens my life gets improved a lot. but yeah. lets take the worst case scenario hre. C? C-? D???
pause. see at this point, it doesn't look that bad! if i do ABBC, ABBD, AABC, AABD, AAAC, AAAD. plus i have a rather nice/pretty/impressive GPA from my past semesters, so i'm like. cool . and french always pulls my GPA so way higher up.
SO SEE MEILING. YOU HAVE HOPE. YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO KILL YOURSELF AT THE END OF THIS. NOW JUST WORK HARD FOR:
4. ACCT - did well for midterm 1, FUCKED UP MIDTERM 2 WOWWWWWWW THIS CLASS I FUCKED UP SO BAD. TOTALLY NOT FOLLOWING. and i don't know what happened! and that's a huge part of what bothers me. not doing badly, but not knowing why i did badly.
did i not try? did i get cocky? okay i got cocky partially. i took the class for granted, thought i would catch up very easily. and i could but i have no... previous business knowledge to help me also i'm lazy I HATE doing problems from textbooks. i HATE working through shit. and i mean WORKING THROUGH. you know those days when you just need to sit down, and WORK THROUGH something to get it? i hate doing it with math/accounting/whatever cuz i just get soooooo lazy I AHTE IT.
..that's why i don't do math. not cuz i can't CUZ I'M LAZYand that is the truth. that i never..have admitted to. cuz its such a lame reason. but its NOT a lame reason it's like par tof your personality. i get lazy
anyway that's why i do humanz classes. cuz THOSE i ENJOY working throuhg. i didnt manage to work thorugh EVERYTHING for my history class, but just siitting ther eand knowing abotu napolean/burke/bonapartism/dualism/metternich was ilke. FULFILLING. cuz as i work through it i feel a sense of.. satisfaction. a sense of INTELLIGENCE frankly. lik wow i GET this know. i understand it on a deep metnal level. i would enjoy having like a month to study it an dwork through it the only unfortunate bit is that we have limited time.
wow so yeah i enjoy worknig through those. or essays. okay anyway going off topic.
point is, i just needed to get this out, i'm good, i needed to look at everything on "pen and paper" and be logical about it, and it's okay if i fucked up one class it's like a perfect reminder i need not just for now but for LIFE to have motivation for everything else, cuz id on't ever wanna feel like i didn't try again.
and i have ALWAYS Veered so closely to that point but always skip it, so now i actually haeve something that can remind me, so this is good for me. i NEEDED it. in a way.
so now i will just be calm, and try and do my best for accounting, and i'm good.
kk. see this helps.
the dude sitting behind me is talkign about the french revolution and burke and i actually understand. ahah. i liked my history essay. i liked my hypothesis. that makes me feel better. i'm not dumb |
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| quick updates |
[Dec. 16th, 2009|10:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] | lalala. time sure flies! ( YOG! )
and then i've finished my ureca proposal. cheers!! =D now i'm off to transcribing my convo with jane. if 5 mins takes 3 hours ++ to transcribe.. 40mins is unimagineable. haha. but its at least fun cos i realise so many things abt us/our convo that i wont have if i weren made to pay so much attention to it.
oh and meetups. some people change, some things dont=) a blast from the past, a thread in the present, and a memory for the future. okay, enough waxing lyrical...
baked with kelly and then yanxin.. haha i'm like spreading the love of cinnamon rolls and teaching students alr! LOL. and its featured in zaobao today!(thanks yanxin!) double lol. ahh i shd start writing again, losing touch with chinese boo hoo.
have been eating too much these days. ate at 5 places on monday! 3 with xinyan and 2 with qiu, shaomin and lemon. hahaha. ate dim sum, ding tao feng (dim sum encore!) and say cheeze! then ate thai food and azabu icecream. and then today, eat again. shokudo. omg i'm burning holes in my pocket. haha.
now need to exercise. swimming dates and cycling/kayaking/rock climbing/whatever form of exercsie dates anyone?=DD
looking forward to doing many many things: changing my room furniture. signing up for driving clearing my stuff! (i think i shd start throwing away what i cant bear to throw away because things accumulates. oh and shimin, i still have your printer><) getting back $$ for NYS camp?! =(( baking for xmas!xD
oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACE! :3 |
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| mu-vee |
[Dec. 16th, 2009|12:14 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | movies | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Glee OST, Don't Stop Believing | ] |
Okay I need to watch:- New Moon (I don't care that it sucks. It has topless hot boys. I am only going for the eyecandy)
- Up in the Air (from the director of Thank You For Smoking and Juno)
- A Single Man (Tom Ford directing, Colin Firth and Julianne Moore acting. Need I say more?)
- An Education (DOMINIC COOPER)
- Sherlock Holmes (SQUEE!)
- New York, I Love You (31st December!)
- It's Complicated (14th January!
alistenhere , justravished , in_cantations ! We watch together ah) - Leap Year (whenever it opens. It looks like a good chick flick! I love chick flicks yay they are my guilty pleasure.)
- Letters to Juliet (another chick flick!)
- Remember Me (because RPattz looks like he can act in this one)
- The Men Who Stare At Goats
- Me and Orson Welles (Yes, Zefron. He is hot. Also, funny.)
I am trawling through apple.com/trailers. Can you tell? HAHA
Edit: Since we're on the subject of movies, I've just seen the Golden Globe nominees, and I think it's a pretty close race all around this time! There really isn't one standout in any category I think. Except maybe Best Original Song. But I'm biased. "Cinema Italiano" from Nine was stuck in my head for a whole week. And I haven't even watched the movie yet! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2009|11:52 pm] |
I am stuffed to the eyeballs with white wine, caipirinha, and churrasco. o god so good
Also yes okay maybe the world is right and Latin American women are hawt. Or maybe it's my fetishes playing up, namely formalwear and music. Hah. Either way eye candyyyyyy yay. Purrrrrr.
Am in Shenzhen! It is Okay. It is like any other Asian city except HOLY MOTHERFUCK THERE IS SO MUCH SPACE IT IS RIDICULOUS. We are running around the wealthier bits of SZ, it's not my fault, our friends who live here have some monies, so yeah that's what I'm seeing. I like HK better--actually I like HK more every time I go back to it, it is kind of ace. THIS TRIP I LEARNED ABOUT "DELAY NO MORE" (屌你老母, i.e. 干你娘, because most of you are MinNan/Hokkien right) why are you socute HK that is a truly terrible pun. I should stop coming over though, every time I arrive someone throws acid into the street. Uh. Oops?
YES VIOLA I AM SORRY I DIDN'T MENTION THIS WE WERE/ARE TOO BUSY FOR ME TO MEET YOU I THINK I'M COMING UP AGAIN IN JAN/FEB OKAY? OKAY???? DDDDDDD: ILU HONEST |
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| when it rains in dubai, cars crash. |
[Dec. 14th, 2009|02:16 am] |
My Dubai guidebook said something like "Driving when it rains is hazardous simply because Dubai drivers are not used to wet weather driving. There is a considerable increase in the number of traffic accidents during wet weather." I found this statement extremely lulz-y, until it rained on the last day I was there and during a 20 minute cab ride, I witnessed 3 accidents. Apparently it rains only about 6 times a year?
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